Half Way Through(!)(!?)(...)

Oh, oh, oh, so many conflicting emotions. Here is a quick run-down of what is going on and I will follow with an elaboration:
-The weekend was simultaneously a great learning experience, partially fun, and upsetting on a couple different levels.
-This program pretty much sucks. I know I haven’t written about this much yet, but today was the last straw (is that the expression?).
-I have an awesome internship.
-I’m joining a choir.
-Volunteering might possibly be going really well.

The Weekend.
I don’t think I have processed it enough to fully elaborate, so I’m going to be brief and leave a lot out. There is a Lutheran choir that my music professor knows. They live about two kilometers from the center of town, and they are an amazing choir. We went to see them perform and then each of us went and stayed with one of the families for the weekend. Saturday we went on a hike to this amazing waterfall (that part was sweet), and Sunday we went to church (kind of sweet music-wise, but the only word I recognized through the whole thing was “konyagi” which made me feel a little guilty because that’s the cheap Tanzanian alcohol…we did get introduced to the whole congregation, though, and the Pastor apparently said it was a miracle that we addressed them in Swahili).
I stayed with a family that was really nice at first. The mother is in the choir and doesn’t speak English, but her 21-year-old daughter does. At first it was wonderful. I hadn’t been feeling well all week and I was sad about not being with my friends while we were all thinking about Dana, and this family welcomed me into their home. Tanzanian hospitality is incredible, and they honestly see it as a blessing to have a guest (I mean really, they like people to come to their house). At first, it was wonderful and I loved it. Then, though, it was like…I couldn’t say no to food because I didn’t want to be rude. No joke, I wish I knew how to make myself throw up. I had been sick and then I ate the most obscene amount of food that whole weekend. Very quickly it went from me feeling embraced to me feeling like I was a doll. I got walked 85 miles around Arusha meeting every single family member that they have, which was wonderful and totally normal here, except that it kind of turned into, “Come look at my white girl.” Juliet (the daughter) kept telling me to say stuff in Kiswahili (like, “Sarah sema poa! Sema poa!”) or telling her friends to say things so that I could respond. It was cute at first, but then I didn’t feel like a human being, I felt like entertainment. Plus, I’ve been here for two months and I know how to say hi in Swahili. There were a lot of things that I don’t feel like going into. And I feel guilty feeling this way because they invited me into their home and gave me so much of the little that they have.
Anyway, I know I sound a bit…I don’t know, like I’m not adapting or I’m ungrateful. Not the case. I am really thankful for them inviting me into their home, I just felt like there were a lot of dynamics going on that made me really uncomfortable and I completely fell apart when I got home. I learned a whole lot though, and for better or worse I have a family here now who wants me to come live with them (not kidding, Juliet spent SO long trying to convince me to come live with them). I learned so much about Arusha and the way people live and my new family’s life. But to all you people out there who do home stays for study abroad – nothing but respect from this girl.

This Program is Really Bad.
Alright, so I signed up for this program knowing that it is the first semester it is happening, so it is obviously going to be disorganized. Up until recently, I was ok with the fact that it is really disorganized, there is no communication between Martha (our program director) and the professors and us, Martha didn’t give us our syllabi or tell us to get our books before we came to Tanzania (so we have been making due without any books), almost none of the trips that they told us would happen have happened, they changed the end of the program and will only reimburse the people who leave Tanzania on exactly on June 1st for their flights (so people are stuck here either having to pay for a place to stay or change their flight and pay), and almost nothing changes when we request something to change. I was even ok when our program director at Arcadia got fired and we didn’t find out until we needed him and got a response that he was no longer there because no one told us. I was even ok when they restructured, fired Ethel (the one person that we felt like listened to us here), hired two new people in her place, and didn’t tell us about it until a week after they started working. Obviously we knew, but only because we figured it out.
I know that none of you have any background on what has been going on with which you can trust what I’m about to say, but I’m going to be honest. At the beginning of the program the other students didn’t (in my opinion) appropriately deal with their issues with the program. Some of the problems were cultural and some were real problems with the program. They emailed the administration too much, didn’t pick their battles, and were outright rude at times. Martha and the administration were alienated. Honestly, though, as much as I hate to say things that are mean, I do not think that Martha is doing a good job. I don’t feel like I can go to her with any of my problems. When I ask her anything she gets defensive, never just says, “I don’t know,” and tells us not to take the things she says, “Like the Bible.” I pride myself on my ability to talk to people and make requests respectfully without blame. In the beginning it worked (I compiled everyone’s requests, typed them up, and sat down with Martha to discuss them – and it worked at first). I honestly feel completely powerless, patronized, and uncomfortable at school. This has only happened in the past few days. We have a new guy working in Ethel’s place and all of us feel uncomfortable around him. Martha showed up at our hotel yesterday and asked me to tell everyone that the photography trip today would start at 10:30 (cutting out half of our Swahili class) and that they were going to a waterfall. I told her that I’m not in the class, not going on the excursion, don’t know anything about it, but would pass on the message. I passed it on and got questions like, “Why are we leaving at 10:30? Wait we are going to a waterfall? They said blah blah blah before.” I of course didn’t know the answers and when there was confusion today Martha insinuated that she did her job and I didn’t pass on the message well enough.
I feel immature placing blame on Martha. Honestly, though, we do not feel safe talking to her (not safe emotionally I mean – I don’t mean physically). I like my classes for the most part, I’m having fun here, I’m learning, but most of all this has been despite the Arcadia administration here and in the States, not because of them. Obviously Martha’s hands are tied on some things, but I honestly don’t care if nothing changes but the fact that I feel like if I say something someone listens. I’ve accepted that I have to make this the experience that I want it to be (I knew that before I came), but I just want Martha to pretend like she is listening to what we are saying and trying to change it. It doesn’t require actually doing anything other than using empathic listening skills. Just stop talking, nod your head, and rephrase what I say so that it seems like I understand. It’s not that hard. There are books on it.
Anyway, my intention is not to be snide. I’m just upset. We have a plan to write a formal letter to all sorts of people at Arcadia and get the study abroad offices at Goucher and other schools involved. The only thing that I can possibly think would help right now is for Arcadia to send someone from the States here PRONTO. I feel bad because it’s not like I want Martha to be out of a job (her daughter goes to Arcadia for free and I wouldn’t want to screw that up for her daughter); I just don’t foresee her doing it well enough that anything changes anytime soon.

Internship Madness
Josh brought me to meet our new internship boss today at the AICC. Before I talk about real stuff, let me just say that it is nothing but a shame that he is wearing a wedding ring. First of all, he is not bad on the eyes and wore a SLICK pin stripe suite. He is really nice, funny, smart, and as far as I can tell is a good guy with a lot of power. Also, he bought us lunch. Big points.
I think I explained before that he is basically trying to create a database both in the form of a book and a website with a compilation of legal and other procedures that have taken place in terms of conflict in Africa. He and the Foundation are also trying to create a network of African lawyers and scholars. Africa has a lot of them, but a lot of them study abroad and don’t come back. There is no network as of yet, and it isn’t like successful things don’t happen here, it’s just that not a lot gets recorded so it’s hard to learn from the past (in terms of conflicts and wars).
Josh and I are working on the beginning stages of that database and then we are going to focus on one or two specific conflicts and document everything that has been done. I’m going to do DRC because it will help me with my senior thesis (tomorrow I’m meeting with one of my professors here and he is going to help me to write my proposal). Also, there are a lot of books that Roland (our internship guy) needs to be reviewed. So we are going to review some of them and if our reviews are good then they will be published. I know that sounds like a lot, but this is an internship that I can have all this semester, the summer, and my entire life if I want. It sounds like I’m going to meet a lot of cool people and get a really good understanding of whether or not law is for me. Basically: sweetness.

I’m Joining a Choir
Makumira choir. Right now they are learning about African American music. That’s my jam so I’m pretty psyched.

Volunteering
Today I started my experimental peace building stuff and it was a success as far as I can tell. I played this game with them where a statement is read and if it is true for you, you stand up. Then you see how many people feel similarly (because they are the ones standing up) and then sit back down until the next statement is read. Now, I wrote the statements, my Kiswahili professor helped me translate, and then the girl that helped me by reading them had to explain a little. So I have no idea how close to what I originally wrote the statements they got were. It was interesting, though, and definitely a lot of them took it seriously. Almost every girl stood up at the statement, “I almost always feel uncomfortable around men.”
Then I had them divide up into groups and write on a piece of paper everything they thought of when they thought of ‘amani’ which means ‘peace’. I also had them do it with ‘not peace’ (bila amani) and they wrote everything up on the board.

Anyway, that was a lot. And I’m half way through! On one hand I feel like things are only starting to pick up, and on the other hand I can’t believe I have another two whole months before I get to go home. I love you all.