Three Weeks Later

Home, home, home! I’ve been home for three weeks now, and I don’t even know where to begin. I find that when I’m in a new place, or newly in an old place, things change about every five minutes. It is sometimes weird to be back, sometimes it’s not, and then sometimes it’s weird because it’s not weird. I haven’t talked about my experience much yet, but it comes out when I accidentally apologize in Swahili after crashing into someone on the dance floor, or say, “Oh at home we had – wait this is home!”
I’m trying to be really intentional about what habits and attitudes from Tanzania I hang on to (if that’s possible). I’d like to think that having seen so many different things, and things that were sometimes painful, has deepened my compassion in general. I hope I’ve been humbled by this experience, as oppose to having become self-righteous or judgmental. Every once in a while I find myself wanting to tell people that I think they are stupid, ungrateful, spoiled, or that their problems don’t matter. I honestly believe, though, that an individual’s experience – their issues, values, happiness – is valid and important no matter who they are. Your experience is really all you have. Just because most of the people in Tanzania don’t have the luxury (or burden) of worrying about which one of eight pairs of shoes looks best, or whether or not their house will fit a 100 person party, doesn’t mean all that isn’t important. Coming to terms with relativity is definitely a challenge for me, though.
There are some things that will just never be the same. Take movies for instance. I can’t just enjoy dumb movies. Women are over sexualized (or only sexualized) constantly, money is thrown around like it’s normal, and the movies make their way to Tanzania or who knows where else where the people have no idea that America isn’t actually like that (and worse they often try to be that). And I hate to be the girl that always points that stuff out, but it’s serious. We have no idea how we are affecting the rest of the world.
A lot of people that I’ve seen since I got back have been telling me to make sure I take care of myself, or other versions of that piece of advice. I really do appreciate it. The thing is that on some level I don’t see myself as separate from anyone else. It’s difficult to explain, but I guess I would say that I don’t necessarily believe in a “self.” I view “me” as just a piece of something that is completely interdependent and inseparable with the other pieces, kind of like one vantage point in something that has many vantage points.
So when I look at the world, I don’t look at it as “other” to “me.” This all sounds rather romantic but it’s actually very practical. We are inseparable. I think when people hear about the things I’m passionate about, like “peace studies” or whatever you want to call it, they think of some kind of do-gooder savoir attitude that is simultaneously idealistic (even unrealistic) and a lot of emotional responsibility. That’s not how I see it though. I’m just trying to play a role in the world that I feel comfortable with. I haven’t quit figured out how to articulate it yet, but I guess I just think that things are the way things are and I am a part of it no matter what. In order to contribute in a way that I want to, I need to both have a positive impact on other people and be happy myself. So it’s not like I see other people as needing to be “saved” or as me being someone who could ever do that. I don’t take it as a responsibility to change to world, I just want to transform the situations I’m in intentionally because I’m in them either way.
That being said, it is a little difficult to when people put me up on a pedestal. It’s like now that I have been to Africa and people have pigeon holed me into the “doo-gooder” role, what if I don’t live up to it? I dunnnno.
Anyway, since I got back I have been roped in to choreographing the musical at the high school I went to. It’s in three days, so I really only had two weeks. It’s fun, though, and it’s reminding me of how much I love choreography and dance, not just lindy hop. Oh, how I do love lindy hop, though. That’s for another post.
I have been thinking really hard about what to do with this blog. I would like to keep it going while transitioning into normal life, but it is very weird now that I realize how many people are reading it (and that I am around a lot of those people now). I think I will keep it going, though. Thanks to al of you that have been reading it. It helps a lot for me to articulate things that are hard to articulate and to feel like I have an outlet to voice my thoughts.
Until Next Time,
Sarah